We know that in life - TRAUMATIC STUFF can and does happen leaving us to deal with the emotional devastation caused by the event. Sometimes this can leave our nearest and dearest traumatised.

LOOKING AT HOW WE COULD HELP A LOVED ONE TO RECOVER FROM TRAUMA

The first thing to bear in mind is that the whatever has happened has already happened. It is finished. We cannot turn back the clock and "put things right". That (quite simply) is not an option. It has happened and now we have to handle the consequences.

You need to accept that whatever has happened has had a devastating effect on someone close to you - so the event involves you. How you feel about what has happened will determine how you respond. Your response in turn will determine how much you will be able to help your loved one.

Paradoxically, the best way to help them is to help yourself. After all, if you are in pieces how can you help anyone else?

This being so, how do you feel about what has happened? If you are hurting then it would probably be the best cause of action to see your GP. The worst thing you can do now is swallow your hurt and bottle up your emotions. See your doctor and explain what has happened. How you feel about it. How it has impacted upon your loved one. Your fears about them and ask the doctor for help.

Doctors do not just hand out prescriptions. Very often they can (and do) signpost us to exactly the right specialist help. This really should be your first port of call.

Emergency support telephone crisislines are also there to help you. Do not feel too embarrassed to use them - they are there for all of us.

Obviously you need to be there for your loved one, but he or she may be experiencing a wide range of conflicting thoughts and feelings that you don't normally associate with him or her. They may appear to be acting out of character, almost a stranger.

For example, it is important that he or she does not close down emotionally and become isolated. With this in mind, you want to be there for them 100% of the time. In his or her emotional pain he or she might not want you to be "all-over-him, or her-like-a-rash": They might need to be alone and might even be trying to pretend that whatever has happened didn't really happen after all.

The bottom line is that we need the sufferer to see that we are there for them both physically and emotionally but we are not interfering. We also need to accept that he or she might not want us to be there 100% of the time. We mustn't suffocate them with our presence and concern.

Remember that your loved one is your loved one. The terrible thing that has happened may have changed him or her in some way and this can be very frustrating. How we respond to this frustrating 'change' is very important. One emotional response to avoid is anger. Becoming intolerant usually backfires. Telling people to pull themselves together, brow beating them, emotionally blackmailing or nagging them are just forms of bullying.

If you can't be there physically, be there emotionally. Maintain contact by text, e-mail and phone calls. But try not to bury him or her under an avalanche of good will messages. When a loved one is hurting it is natural that we want to be a rock for him or her. This is good, but only if he or she wants you to be that rock

Positive things to do... Discourage use or abuse of alcohol and drugs. Create a comfortable non-threatening atmosphere in which you will both feel relaxed, at ease but at the same time secure. Share responsibilities and assist him or her with their daily tasks.  Set aside leisure time together. Relax together. Make sure that you both eat properly and get plenty of rest, sleep and time to reflect. Do things together. Dine out. Have day's outs and go for pleasant walks (mild exercise) together.

Without badgering, encourage him or her to talk about what has happened and how they feel about it. Whilst needing to respect his or her privacy and his or her need to spend some reflective time alone. Listen very carefully (without judging) and try to understand how this is affecting the speaker. Focus on how they are feeling and try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Try not to belittle or be dismissive about what has happened and how it is effecting your loved one.

We need to try to understand the experience and (more importantly) how it is effecting him or her. Not forgetting that this can change with the passage of time. Time is the key issue here. Be patient. It will take time to re-establish a comfortable lifestyle and relationship. We probably need to accept that things may not return to exactly how they were before the life-changing event took place. Be patient. The effects of trauma could take a long time to unfold and even longer to come to terms with.

Allow him or her to set the pace. But try to share reviewing what has happened and try to jointly make new plans. Share in the making of new plans, again only if the speaker wishes. Very often reviewing what has happened and accepting that whatever has changed assists us in changing our life values and priorities.

If you need help ask for it. Regardless of whomsoever it is you need to ask. Whether it's other members of the family or the family doctor don’t hesitate and ask. There is no shame in seeking help when you or your loved one needs it.  

It is important to understand that recovery does take time. Most of us are able to recover well with the continuing support of a loved one. One who cares and can show it through word and deed.